Gentle Parenting: A compilation of resources to guide you

Jan 26

original post 2019, edited Spring 2021

WARNING: You will not be a perfectly gentle parent over night. It takes time, it takes self discipline and once you’re in this journey you’re going to find yourself more calm and less anxious towards more than just your child (Ask yourself: How were you parented?). It’s crazy what practicing gentle parenting can do for your own soul. You don’t have to do all of these things in order to be a perfectly gentle parent. Do what feels right, do what works for you. YOU ARE what your child needs and at the end of the day we all want to do what is best.

Gentle Parenting: Treating your child with kindness, respect and patience. Recognizing and accepting their emotions....all while setting consistent and firm boundaries.

What is Gentle Parenting?

Formally, Gentle Parenting (GP) is one of many nicknames for “Authoritative Style Parenting” which is one of 4 named parenting styles by psychology (read more about the different parenting styles HERE, which one were you raised by?) . Other names used for GP include Respectful Parenting or RIE. GP is: Treating your child with kindness, respect and patience. Recognizing and accepting their emotions. All while setting consistent and firm boundaries. Sounds like something every parent wants to do right? We all want to be good parents, but we only know what we are willing to learn, I often ask myself: How can I be better? Do I fail at GP? YES, a hundred times. Gentle parenting is modeling behavior that you want your child to learn and carry through life. We all want to raise respectful, loving, emotionally stable, patient, kind…the list goes on…children. But in order to do so, we have to meet our child at where they are at in their development.

What our children need, is a safe person/place where they can openly express emotion without being criticized or punished for it. Our children need consistency and positive discipline. You don’t have to use punishment and reward to make your child a “well behaved” human. Being a calm, gentle, at ease and accepting parent 100% of the time is NOT EASY or realistic. Many people disregard gentle parenting because they want a quick fix. GP is connecting with your child without the intent to control them. Our children yearn for independence and control as their brains develop. GP is a marathon, not a sprint.

GP is not going to “fix” your child, but it will help them grow into adults who feel comfortable in their own skin and with other people’s emotions, so they are able to connect deeply with others. Children who’ve had compassionate, responsive and positive parents will come to understand and self-regulate their emotions most of the time. They’ll feel secure. They’ll build neural pathways within the brain to deliver soothing biochemicals that help to regulate emotions like fear and anger. It may feel overwhelming in the moment with a young child who is melting down, but take solace in the knowledge that the effort and sacrifices you are making are monumentally worthwhile. In years from now, your kids won’t remember what you said, but they’ll remember how you made them feel.

GP is not permissive parenting (which is never saying no, avoiding tantrums, always pleasing the child). Gentle parenting is guiding your child through the hardest of times and loving them through it without bringing them shame! It means that you allow your child to have their emotion/”tantrum” and then helping them through it, while keeping them safe.

Things to keep in mind:

Gentle parenting suggests that all ‘bad’ behavior stems from an unmet emotional need
Give choices not commands (would you like to put your pajamas on after or before you brush your teeth?)
Allow for natural consequences (GREAT EXAMPLES HERE)
Encourage learning through play
Allow feelings to run their course (actively listen to the emotion and be physically present, do not down play their emotion). Allowing dependance during emotional times promotes independence in adulthood.
Limits can be negotiated…like when you will leave the party but unsafe situations are handled firmly but respectfully. (“Hitting the dog hurts her and I will not let you do that. Lets pet the dog instead.”)
Treat your child like a partner and include them in decisions.
Do not force affection (If grandma wants a kiss, do not make the child give grandma a kiss.) Teach the child to listen to their body and say no when they do not want to be touched.It is your duty to respect and protect your child’s decisions.
When your child is expressing an emotion, trust your child. Help him/her through it. Do not downplay it (downplay example: “you’re fine” “it’s okay” “don’t cry, you’re a big girl/boy.”)
It’s okay to take a moment to yourself ‘parental time out.’ Surround yourself with alike minded parents. Encourage your partner/family to participate. Parenting is a team effort.

“Gentle parenting is a lifestyle that embraces both your physical and psychological behavior, not only towards your children, but to yourself too.”

- Sara Hockwell-Smith.

I am not an expert but I have read and found many resources that have helped me through our gentle parenting journey, so I have compiled them here for all of you.

Websites:

(tap on title to visit link)

Janet Lansbury “Respectful Parenting Basics”

Sara Rockwell-Smith “Gentle Parenting Book”

No Reward, No Punishment

How is Gentle different than mainstream?

This one has a great table that breaks down the differences down between two types of parenting.

Gentle Parenting Myth

5 secrets to Gentle Parenting

Youtube:

This YouTube Mom has AMAZING videos and personal experiences of Gentle Parenting

Books:

The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children (HERE)

This book helps us understand that it all starts with ME - the parent. I am the problem, not my child. Great for figuring out your deepest inner-self.

No Bad Kids (HERE)

Toddler Discipline without shame (Janet is my favorite)

The Happiest Baby on the Block (HERE)

Perfect for parents of newborns or parents to be. Why do newborns cry? How can we soothe them in a gentle parenting way? How do we set a foundation for gentle parenting.

The Power of Showing up(HERE)

This author/psychiatrist breaks down the four building blocks of a child’s development and then teaches YOU, the parent, how to show up for your child unconditionally.

The Whole Brain Child (HERE)

Complete with age-appropriate strategies for dealing with day-to-day struggles and illustrations that will help you explain these concepts to your child, The Whole-Brain Child shows you how to cultivate healthy emotional and intellectual development so that your children can lead balanced, meaningful, and connected lives.

No Drama Discipline (HERE)

Defining the true meaning of the “d” word (to instruct, not to shout or reprimand), the authors explain how to reach your child, redirect emotions, and turn a meltdown into an opportunity for growth. By doing so, the cycle of negative behavior (and punishment) is essentially brought to a halt, as problem solving becomes a win/win situation.

How to Talk so kids will listen & Listen so Kids will talk (HERE)

· Cope with your child's negative feelings, such as frustration, anger, and disappointment

· Express your strong feelings without being hurtful

· Engage your child's willing cooperation

· Set firm limits and maintain goodwill

· Use alternatives to punishment that promote self-discipline

· Understand the difference between helpful and unhelpful praise

· Resolve family conflicts peacefully

How Not to Hate your Husband After Kids(HERE)

More books HERE: All ages covered

Comment with your own Book Recommendations below!

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Podcasts:

I listen to my Podcasts free on the Apple Podcast app. You can also listen to Podcasts on other platforms such as Spotify.

Unruffled by Janet Lansbury

Janet Lansbury is incredible. Her podcast speaks volumes to me. Her episodes are quick and she answers real life parenting questions and breaks them down so we can all understand. This a must, especially if you have a commute.

Raising Good Humans With Dr. Aliza

Parenting Beyond Discipline

Mindful Parenting in a Messy World

Buildgreatminds.com

Instagarm Accounts

@DrBeckyathome

Psychologist & Mama of 3 sharing deep parenting thoughts & practical strategies, offers courses, workshops, games and more.

@ourmamavillage

Jess: Therapist for Parents, mom of 2. User and teacher of Respectful (GP) Parenting.

@biglittlefeelings

Toddler Expert, child therapist and mom of 2 toddlers!

@thegentlemamma

Dilshad is a mama who started her gentle parent journey research when she became a mom and now she is sharing all types of amazing insight! She has great resources in highlights!

@themompsychologist

Psychologist. Child development & mental health. Offers FREE discipline workshop.

@respectfulmom

Mom and author that provides so much wisdom, real life/personal examples and more on gentle parenting. I cannot say enough.

@drallisonmarkmiami

Dr. Mark is a psychologist who’s goal is to help children uncover strengths and manage challenges and parents transitioning throughout parenthood. She makes incredible graphics that lay out a nice vision.

@seed.and.sew

Alyssa shares amazing quotes, graphics and information on how to raise emotionally intelligent humans.

@healthiest_baby

Dr Cathryn is a Pediatrician who shares amazing graphics to make you an expert on your baby’s first years. Perfect for new parents and parents of little babes and young toddlers

@gentlerespectfulparenting

Jenny shares AMAZING parenting response examples & SUCH helpful IGTV videos where she breaks gentle parenting down in real life scenarios.

@simplyonpurpose

A mommy influencer who guides parents through gentle parenting for older children